This week Louise bid goodbye to her young friends for the weekend, knowing that her dodgy hip wouldn't survive the mucky fields of Oxegen. Vogue got his spot in the limelight with a DJ set at the festival. The shackles on Dani's legs were rattling from her loins' hunger for Steven before she eventually just unlocked the things and threw them at poor Paul. It all hit a climax in the form of the finest moment of Irish TV combat since Lorcan beat the shit out of Billy Meehan in Fair City nine years ago. Except this time it was on a temporary mini golf course...in a field...in Kildare.
As real as Louise's fear of the ugly
Kevin and Cici both appear to ride fixie bikes. Plus 5 for the hipster unity.
Dani is picking up tips while living with sour-puss Louise; she sneakily gets revenge on her childish boyfriend by washing his dark and light clothes together. What a bitch! Plus 4
Dani seems to think it is a “consolation” that her boyfriend will be staying in the flat with Louise while she's off to Punchestown. Yeah we suppose sharing probably is caring in her book. Plus 3
Mother figure Louise looks uncomfortable at the idea of spending a weekend with a child yet she later provides him with alcohol, no responsible parent would do that. Plus 3 for the exact kind of bad parenting we’d expect from her.
Julia's gay man hair cut is confusing poor Dani and she agrees to take her number. Plus 1
Paul's all out “me-destroy-everything!” rage when he catches Dani playing the gayest of sports, mini golf, with the gayest of men (after Dillon St Paul) is amazing. If there was a mini windmill chances are it would have been kicked over/eaten. Plus 4
Fine example of incestuous PR arse licking when Dani meets Julia at Oxegen. Plus 2
CDs? Remixes?! – Vogwarts has got this DJ shit down. Plus 1
Vogue's DJ practice montage will be remembered forever. Plus 8
"Just call me whenever you need to," says Louise, hanging up after a five second phonecall with her tearful child. Plus 5 Once again, bad parenting, no surprise.
Mr St. Paul: "cutesy"
Dillon St Paul's complete and utter disregard for anything that Louise tells him about Dani's crisis. Plus 5
Definately our favourite gay in the show. Also, trust a man named Dillon St Paul to say "cutesy" and get distracted by feathers. Plus 1
Rough looking culchie pushing people around and telling them all to fuck off at Oxegen. Check! Plus 10
The typical Oxegen rain was just about the only thing that could not be edited out in post-production. Default Plus 3
Faker than Dillon St Paul's interest in anybody but himself
Louise and Dani's boss telling them to decide who will work at the weekend. Not so much fake as just a really terrible management decision. Why didn't she just provide them with a pair of daggers and let them “decide” in a locked room?
Little Paul’s pansyish sulking throughout his argument with Dani in her room. Minus 3 Hard country boys never show that level of emotion.
He won't bother going to the festival because he "won't know anyone up there" , yet he'll stay in Dublin where he also doesn't know anyone and drink alone in a random pub. Minus 3
OK Julia, we get it, you work for Blink PR. Minus 2
We're going to let it slide but if you look at Vogue's DJ scene at Oxegen, at no point does it show him and a crowd in the same shot. But Minus 6 for trying to make us believe that an r-list model would get a DJ set at any music festival.
Why does Kevin look so concerned when Dani tells himself and Cici that she can't find them tickets? Surely he can burrow under the fence or, at the very least, gnaw through it. Minus 2
Paul: Louise's consolation prize for not going to Oxegen
Kevin also refers to “getting my shit set up” inside the festival when, at absolutely no point (from the time he cycled into shot in his gear which consisted of a dick-headish suit jacket, wife beater and skinny jeans), did we see him hold so much as a toothbrush bag. Minus 4. Then again, he just may be storing it in his cheeks. We could say the same for Cici but it's pretty implied that she smoked all her posessions on the way. Would she even be fit enough to cycle there anyway?
Cyclists not wearing helmets. Surely nobody wants to mess up Glenda Gilson or Cici's hair but cycling from Dublin to Kildare would definitely involve going along a motorway at some point. Minus 6 for safety.
Who gave Dani responsibility and left her checking guest list people in at the gate?! Minus 6
Actually, when did she learn to pronounce Marbella? Minus 2
Roughly 15 seconds after we see Paul get refused from the festival, we see him wreaking terror Godzilla style on a mini-golf course inside the arena. Minus 10
We would also note that... the scene that shows him getting turned away is shot from two angles: one inside the box office and one just behind Paul. Neither of the camera appears in each other's shots. Either Paul is so stupid that he went back and had the same conversation with box office lady twice before magically getting in anyway or, heaven forbid, there's camera trickery afoot!.. but that would just be picky now, wouldn't it?
Jules claims to have gone out with Beaver Boy. Nobody has gone out with Beaver Boy. That is disgusting and illegal in a lot of countries. Minus 5
Total: PLUS 6 - Wow, a positive? Maybe we just enjoyed this episode so much we wanted it to be a little bit real.
As usual, feel free to comment and point out anything we missed
The comments on this blog, no matter how offensive, are aimed at the characters portrayed in the show and not the bad actors who play them. In the event that a libel case arises we would get pleasure out of seeing RTÉ prove that the show is an accruate portrayal of anybody’s life….anywhere.