Monday, July 29, 2013

Corcaigh Shore - Episode 1

Since the almighty Fade Street debuted we've had a low budget version of The Hills made by RTÉ and we've had an even lower budget version of Jersey Shore by the lower budget of TV3. Then there was LeFloof TV. If anybody knows what the fuck the latter was about will you kindly let us know. Up until now we thought we'd leave it at Fade Street because we didn't want to overkill. (Eg. We got real jobs) But something about Corcaigh Shore has struck a nerve with us so let's have it.

More real than the the confusion that those who market Coppers are now making a video series:

The house is draped in Cork flags. Plus 5 because we all know that level of pride exists in the south. Minus 3 because most of them are stuck in the windows, which would never be able to close.

Some genius had the idea of leaving the kitchen clock beside the banner which reads SIGNATURE ENTERTAINMENT!!! (The crowd who market Coppers in Dublin, before you ask. Yes, these people have hired the same people as Coppers to market themselves.) Watching said clock, there's only about 2 minutes between each person/thing which proves just how little they actually have to say about themselves. Plus 6

Cian says he eats naggins for breakfast. Judging by his teeth, yes, yes he does. Plus 3

Drinking champagne out of plastic cups. Ah, they're young. Plus 2

The girls get a lift to the door while the guys have to walk up. Plus 3

Girl thing says “it's vodka time.” C'monn, we've all said that at one point in our lives. Plus 1

The ladies go on a trip to the castle, while the boys stay at home, playing FIFA and talking about their dicks. Plus 4. Me man. Me like football. Me have reproductive stick.

Of course they have plastic red cups for pre-drinking. Plus 2

“The actual mauling last night was worse than city hall.” Is that a Cork thing? No points, just curious.

One Direction child thing seems to be the only one who doesn't score. Plus 4 for the lack of statutory rape.

Sorry. Let's just pause this. Does the episode actually end with someone, knowing they'll be on camera and consenting to it, scream out “I love yokes.” Nothing against that kind of thing but... Wow! Plus 16 for honesty. Minus 8 for future job prospects.

Faker than the chance of “Mr. I love yokes” ever getting a job again.
An intro as Gaeilge à -la The Valleys. Nice, except it's in Munster Irish which nobody will ever take seriously. Minus 2

Green shorts man calls the place a shag pad and says it will be crawling with clunge tonight. Minus 5 because it isn't and it doesn't.

The guys obviously caught even the camera people by surprise because when they ran out the back everything in shot is incredibly white and never changes back and you can't see anything or anyone. Minus 5.

Cork guys doing Cork accents in the garden. Minus 4 their accents are funny as it is to outsiders.

Why does that guy have a toaster in his hand while talking to the camera. Minus 8 for confusion.

Child man thing comes into the park and chases ducks and swans away. Minus 4 because you'd like to think boys get over that kind of fuckwittery when they get past 12 but Plus 2 because he actually might not be 12 yet.

How are the beours?” Say the guys to strange women in the parks. Minus 3... Just... minus 3.

What's her name again?”
The one with the arse.”
Minus 4, they were too busy sitting on their arses, playing FIFA to see anybody else's.

I'm fuckin tampin” They're so bored 4 hours into their own reality show that they feel the need to quote other ones. Minus 3

Hotter guy instinctively pipes up and knows the cabs are there while they're sitting in the back garden and he's received no phone call. Minus 4.

CAPTAIN AMERICAS. Let's go there!!!” We liked Captain America's until now but now we're not so sure. Minus 4

In the club, they get champagne in actual flutes. Minus 3 because they didn't need them earlier.

The guys rave behind the DJ in the DJ box. No way would an actual DJ allow the type of people, who have the new Avicci song on their phone and play it to other people on the bus, into his DJ box to spill beer and semen on his collection. Minus 5

TORTURED. Tortured doesn't even begin to cover the numerous failed attempts of kissing when they get into the club. Minus 3 for sheer discomfort.

Why is one of the shots of people kissing in portrait mode and most likely shot on an iPod. Did the actual cameras run out of batteries? Minus 3

Two people mauling a couple that are mauling each other. Oh, god are we now using the phrase “mauling”?! Minus 2 because this shit may be more infectious than the Cork accent.

Total - Minus 25. Flying start then.

Did we miss anything? Comment below.


  1. You forgot to award or deduct points, whichever way you feel about it, for your man shaving his chest before he went out O_o

  2. Minus another 5 for that awful shot in the back garden where everything is white because that's just amateur camera work and please minus 100 for that ridiculous "Fountain" scene at the end. "Let's go to the fountain!!" So that's minus 130!!! What a shite show!! CRINGE!